You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
