On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
