If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
