loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
