I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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