today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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