When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
