I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
