Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
