i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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