hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
