I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
