There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
