I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
