My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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