Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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