i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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