Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
