can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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