i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
