Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
