$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
