my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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