im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
