i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
