My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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