his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
