Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
