I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
