I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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