Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
