trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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