No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
