Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
