Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
