Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
