I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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