I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
3pm strippers are depressing
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
