If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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