I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
