"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
