Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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