You can't special order awesome
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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