I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The air taste purple.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
