I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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