then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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