My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
