did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
