When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
