So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
