Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize