i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
