when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
