I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
