Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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