so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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