There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize