You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
